Learning to like myself...

This morning while wobbling around trying to complete these origami workout exercises from Kaila, I had some really interesting thoughts. I was doing my workout in this darkened room for like Zumba classes or something, with a big mirror. I was standing up doing these squat/weight/lunge torture drills and looked up at myself and thought… huh, not half bad Trimble! It was an interesting moment for me, and one I can’t remember having. I know that a lot of people have said, with regards to the ACE photos, “was that really you?” It was. When I look back I think of it as almost another life, or another person. In reality, it wasn’t all that long ago. At that time, I was so unhappy, and the weight was the least of it. There was a lot of self-loathing and insecurity compounded with a feeling of being stuck. I felt… well, I felt bad. Today when I looked in the mirror, I could see her standing next to me. I saw her, the old me, in a very different light. I don’t hate her one bit! That woman, no matter how low she got, kept fighting for me. I remember the day she got her first tattoo (something pretty out of character at the time) because she wanted change so badly that she wrote it on her forearm where she couldn’t ignore it. She made endless mistakes, some of them multiple times. She cried and struggled, but no matter how hard it was, or how many stops and starts or redirection, she never gave up on me. I look back at those old pictures that once hurt to look at, and realize I am looking at the best friend I have ever had! They don’t make me ashamed to look at, they make me happy. Old Allison, loved me enough to never give up. She was amazing. It gives me strength. I am always going to be trying to grow, and change, and develop. That reality makes me look back on old me with a new respect. Today, it is much easier to do the work than it was then, and it is still really hard. I still make lots of mistakes, backsteps and sidesteps. Change can be scary. We know we should love ourselves, however we look or feel, so sometimes it can be very hard to say the things that we don’t like about ourselves, or to break out of comfortable patterns. Now, when it is hard… I think, if she could do it, so can I. I keep thinking about who I am going to help myself be someday. I know that a lot of you out there are in that place. That unhappy place where change seems impossible. But, what if the person you are today is not someone you loathe? What if you are the very strongest you, you will ever be? What if the you today, fights for the you of tomorrow? I have been talking a lot about compassion and letting go… today was the first time that I looked back at the picture in my mind of the old me, and more than loved her, I liked her. She was one tough bitch.